The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
