I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!