Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
