I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
