Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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