just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
