I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
tell me about the fingering
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