My nipple is on Facebook.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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