I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
