Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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