in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
