i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
