Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
is that a dick in a sweater?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
