i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
