there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
