i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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