he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
