every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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