you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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