The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
