That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
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his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need a sexual gate keeper
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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