now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
