I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
