Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
