My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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