I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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