My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
