Cold hands, warm shart.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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