Who wears a wallet chain?!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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