i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
