so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
