I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
