If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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