i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize