things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
