I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
