Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
