please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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