Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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