you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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