Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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