If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
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no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
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The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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