you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
