i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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