When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She just used a chaser for red wine.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
