Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
