I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
