I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize