Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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