if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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