I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Ladies don't puke and tell
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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