the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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