She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
