Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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