I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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