Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
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Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
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Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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