RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
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Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
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How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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