im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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