well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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