I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
